If someone were to sneak into your proverbial closet, one would likely find:

1. At least one article of leather.
2. An athletic jersey, shorts, and a worn baseball cap.
3. Raw denim skinny jeans and a collection of flannel/plaid shirts.
4. A bespoke suit, or whatever's fresh off the runway.
5. Tons of f*cking sequins.
6. Spandex tshirts.

When you go to the salon/barber/stylist, you are most likely to request:

1. No grooming required - please leave it furry and natural.
2. The usual crew cut.
3. Just clean up the pompadour - but don't touch the ironic facial hair.
4. The usual - mani, pedi, massage, brows, peel, highlights, lowlights, man tan, and a little off the top.
5. I give the stylist advice on how to do their hair.
6. Flourescent-coloured highlights in your trendy assymetrical haircut.

I just want a man who:

1. Has a belly and bear paw tattoo.
2. Is in an all-gay baseball league, and can hover below most people's gaydars.
3. Has a sleeve tattoo.
4. Has more money, property, and klout than me (if that's possible).
5. Is comfortable dressing wearing women's clothes once in a while.
6. Has a car, an apartment, and a decent credit rating.

This best describes your gym routine:

1. Gym? Cardio? I don't want to get any smaller.
2. People ask me for advice at the gym.
3. I don't really buy into conventional male body image (but I like to work arms with my vintage dumbells at home.)
4. I try to use my executive gym membership as often as I can, but my evenings have been so full lately. I'm really letting myself go.
5. I spend most of my time in the steam room, husband-hunting.
6. I get my cardio on the dancefloor Friday through Thursday.

You would love to play "Seven Minutes in Heaven" with:

1. Ben Cohen.
2. Tom Daley.
3. Adam Levine.
4. Anderson Cooper.
5. NPH. Or NPH's husband. Or both.
6. Zac Efron.

On a typical Friday night, you are most likely to be found:

1. At the nearest bear run.
2. At a pub that has the game playing on huge flat screens.
3. At a trendy restolounge microbrewery outside of the gay village.
4. At an opening night show in NYC after flying there on your private jet, then off to Provincetown for the rest of the weekend.
5. Karaoke with my hags, and then whistling in the front row of the best drag show in town.
6. Anywhere with loud pop/house music and a disco ball.

A gay's gotta eat. If someone asked you what you're having for dinner tonight, you'd probably say:

1. Steak, rare.
2. Whatever I feel like (but I know the exact calorie count).
3. Local and organic, obviously. Vegan or paleo, depending on the week.
4. They have your table reserved at the best new restaurant in town. The chef knows which entree you'd prefer.
5. Most of your meals come in a bag, box, or with a drinking straw.
6. Candy is a food group, right?

[Celeb Dream Lover] walks up to the bar and offers to buy you a drink. You order:

1. A pint.
2. Red wine (beer is so high in carbs, you know).
3. If they don't have your favourite import beer, you'll settle for Pabst Blue Ribbon. Reluctantly.
4. Whichever vintage is most expensive. Or you bring your own bottle.
5. A brightly coloured martini with a tiny paper umbrella.
6. Something sweet and fruity - what kind of coolers do you have?

This TV show is likely queued in your PVR:

1. Where The Bears Are.
2. World Cup.
3. I'm watching an obscure British web series.
4. AC360 or Rachel Maddow.
5. RuPaul's Drag Race, season 37.
6. 1 Girl 5 Gays.

If someone were to sneak into your proverbial closet, one would likely find:

1. A tuxedo. And lots of vests.
2. A track suit, running shoes, and sports bras. Lots of sports bras.
3. A hemp skirt.
4. A Chanel pant suit a low cut blouse.
5. Worn-in Levis and some girly tops.
6. A little black dress.

When you go to the salon/barber/stylist, you are most likely to request:

1. Buzzed completely, or maybe business in the front, party in the back.
2. A faux hawk.
3. A pixie cut.
4. Something powerful. Like Hillary.
5. Something mixed length.
6. Leave all the length but trim off the split ends.

I just want a woman who:

1. Makes a good trophy.
2. Can keep up with me at spinning class.
3. Who has a facial piercing.
4. Who has more letters / designations after her name than I do.
5. Has been to a firing range.
6. Doesn't shave. Anything.

This best describes your gym routine:

1. I get all the workout I need on the back of my Harley.
2. People have asked me for advice at the gym.
3. I try to get to hot yoga a couple times a week.
4. I take private pilates session with my personal trainer, Carlos.
5. I ride my bike everywhere - that's working out, right?
6. Curves.

You would love to play "Seven Minutes in Heaven" with:

1. Portia de Rossi.
2. Martina Navratilova.
3. Beth Ditto.
4. Ellen DeGeneres.
5. Melissa Etheridge.
6. Daniela Sea.

On a typical Friday night, you are most likely to be found:

1. Stocking up the Subaru at Home Depot for the weekend.
2. Watching the roller derby game.
3. At a drum circle in the park, or watching a queer indie band on the West side.
4. Schmoozing at a VIP charity function.
5. Camping.
6. At my girlfriend's book reading.

A girl's gotta eat. If someone asked you what you're having for dinner tonight, you'd probably say:

1. An entire rotisserie chicken.
2. A fro-yo protein shake.
3. Tofu curry.
4. Whatever chef makes for me.
5. Seared salmon and a nicoise salad.
6. Cheesecake.

[Celeb Dream Lover] walks up to the bar and offers to buy you a drink. You order:

1. Molson.
2. White wine.
3. Organic, gluten-free beer.
4. Whichever vintage is most expensive.
5. A cosmo.
6. Red wine. By the bottle.

This TV show is likely queued in your PVR:

1. Whatever's on HGTV.
2. Women's PGA.
3. What's a PVR?
4. C-SPAN.
5. The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
6. L Word re-runs.